Details of Book

TABLE OF DISCONTENTS Foreward i Doctor 2 Senator 4 Landlord 6 Neighbor 8 Mail Order 10 Boss 12 Agent 14 Birthday 16 Consumer 18 Restaurant 20 Gift 22 Teacher 24 Anniversary 26 Ex-Boyfriend 28 Christmas Present 30 Insurance 32 Newspaper 34 Home Appliances 36 Ex-wife 38 Afterward 41 Conclusion 42 About the Author 43 A Selection of Work 44

FORWARD If you can write a love letter you can write a crank letter. Both come from the heart. But use caution in a crank letter just as you should in a love letter. Don't promise too much. As a matter of fact, when writing a crank letter try to avoid the words, "kill," "strangle," "butcher," "behead," or the phrase, "cut your tongue out." Refrain from threats promising bodily harm, unless you have the ability to make good on them. If your handwriting is difficult to decipher, I suggest you print, or use a typewriter. There's no use creating a nasty message if it isn't legible to the recipient. Keep the letter reasonably short, for writing a long letter poses the danger it will become a catharsis dissolving your anger and blunting your motivation and prose. There is often a frustration in trying to compose crank material because your anger may be so intense you aren't able to get the right word together to form a slur you have in mind. In that case just jot down in brief phrases any and all hateful thoughts and obscenities that you might apply to the object of your disaffection. Later, when you are coldly calm, you can shape, edit and construct your tome of debasement. Herein I have presented a number of crank letter samples covering a variety of occasions. You can use them as a guide to your own vicious creativity, or you can em-bellish and personalize them for immediate distribution. CHARLES ISAACS LOS ANGELES

Sample Letter - Restaurant Anthony Pastore Belisimo Restorante Los Angeles, Ca. Dear Mr. Pastore, Though I've always made my reservations well in advance, I end up at a small table either near the kitchen, or near the restroom. Of course, in your restaurant there's no difference. Also your maitre d' keeps me waiting unless I bribe him. Only recently I had to have his hand surgically removed from my pocket. The waiters are impossible to understand. They announce the specials in Italian and give the prices in lira. The help is rude. The busboy removed my plate before I had finished and went to a corner and ate it. Your arrogance in playing Caruso and Dean Martin records, then charging for entertainment is inexcusable. I will not patronize your restaurant anymore and I've written Gourmet Magazine that if they continue to accept your advertising I will cancel my subscription. Further, I will no longer eat Italian food and I am canceling my planned trip to Rome and will not accept blessings from the Pope. Giao, Conrad Maquire

Sample Letter - Christmas Present George Reeves 16 Willow St. St. Louis, Mo. Dear George, I'm afraid our long friendship is over. Helen has heard that you and Phoebe are making remarks that brand us as cheap people. You know damn well we aren't cheap. Just because you send us a smoked turkey every Christmas and we don't send you anything, doesn't make us cheap. The Bible says it is more blessed to give than receive. Do you realize how much you and Phoebe have been blessed for giving us turkeys the last twenty years? I don't think it's because you love us. I think you simple want to be blessed. You've just been using us. Another thing. Don't get the idea we aren't blessed. The Bible says it's more blessed to give than receive, which means that receiving is also blessed, but just not as much as giving. We happen to be satisfied with a little blessing for receiving. I would say you're giving out of greed—you want more blessing than us. So take us off your list. Don't send any more turkeys. You want to be blessed for giving? Find another patsy. Al

AFTERWARD BY ROGER MOORE Charlie Isaacs was a funny, witty and charming man. It was hard to pull Charlie away from his typewriter, which I am certain was older than Charlie. I tried to talk him into acquiring a fax machine, but he said he wouldn't have much use for one, he enjoyed the walk to the mailbox. His enjoyment was ours as well. Many of us have waited anxiously for his wonderful letters. He poked fun at himself, and at all of us, always prodding us to look beyond ourselves. He devoted his life to showing us how to laugh. Had Charlie, a dear and treasured friend, lived to see my knighthood granted, I would have given him wonderful fodder for his writings—cranky or otherwise. This small book, HOW TO WRITE A CRANK LETTER, strikes an enormous breadth of subjects, but at the heart of each 'crank letter' lays a plea for justice and fairness. For Charlie Isaacs, being honest, loyal, and fair was what life is about. I am so pleased to see his work published for yet more people to read and enjoy. SIR ROGER MOORE, KBE MONACO 2OO4